Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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