what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
