Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
