Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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