made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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