opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You ruined the universe
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
