Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
