I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
