I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
