she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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