you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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