It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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