I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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