My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I looked at my own cervix.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
