Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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