Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
