The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
