I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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