Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
