she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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