i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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