i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
