my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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