So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
