I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
