i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
