singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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