I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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