Where did you get a picture of my penis
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
