shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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