I think I died a long time ago.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
