woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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