I'll bet she douches with gravy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Sober January is a disaster.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
