At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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