I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
