it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
