Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
