My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
