Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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