Barsexuality is the new black.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
