i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Randomize
