i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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