stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Randomize
