chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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