paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
