they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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