You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
