I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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