he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
So much rum. So many feels.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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