girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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