my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
