How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
